The PC police have no respect for our country’s traditional Judeo-Satanic-Christian roots. They love to throw all that “separation of church and state” crap in our faces. But don’t they know this country was founded by religious rebels to escape persecution?

I’m not just fighting for me and my Lucifer-worshiping brothers and sisters; I’m fighting for hard-working, religious men and women of all stripes – Christians, Jews, Scientologists, Mormons Pagans, Wiccans, snake worshippers and even Catholics – who have a God/Devil-given right to practice our beliefs wherever we see fit!

So if you’re some Saab-driving, latte-sipping, book-reading, liberal blue stater who turns your nose up at old fashion, church-going, livestock-sacrificing, salt of the earth types like me, you’d better watch out, because we’re going to fight for our first amendment rights, so help us Satan.

May the many-horned beast bless you.

I’ve always believed in hard work and discipline; as a young man, I rose to the top the old-fashioned way: ordering the deaths of anyone who posed an immediate threat to my success. I may have lost a step or two in recent years, but I like to think that what I’ve lost in sheer ferocity I’ve gained in efficiency: for example, these days, I rarely have the wrong person killed on accident or a body hastily disposed of in a schoolyard dumpster due to poor planning. I’ve grown up over the years, but I remain as committed to the act of clandestinely performed homicide as I was as an ambitious and secretly murderous young man so many years ago. And yet, here I am, still a lowly member of this lousy state assembly.

But I’m not here to ask for your sympathy; it’s not about me. The important question here is: what kind of world are we passing on to our children? Will they grow up with the belief that elected politics are some kind of popularity contest, where carefully tabulated ‘votes’ determine who wields power in the corridors of our highest offices? Or will they carry on the time-honored tradition of pretending to know nothing of ‘missing’ colleagues who stubbornly held out on a vote or brazenly violated the clearly indicated office parking policies?

As for me it looks like I’m forced to carry out brutal back alley executions as a hobby. Somehow it’s just not enough.

I could go on and on with horror stories I’ve experienced, like the time I was brutally removed from the windshield of Miss Clarkson’s limo at the 2007 Grammy awards or another incident where I scaled the electric fence guarding my sweet Kelly’s estate and sustained numerous injuries being roughly dragged away naked from the home of the Precious One. But the point here is not the countless indignities I’ve suffered at the hands of Kelly’s security force. The real question is: who will protect you and your family from these unrestrained thugs should you decide to breathlessly stalk Kelly Clarkson?

I know what some of you are thinking: Strictly speaking, the second amendment doesn’t specifically address the rights of the dangerously insane to protect themselves from Kelly’s security staff. It’s even possible that our founding fathers never anticipated a need for such a thing, having never gazed into the sweet smiling eyes of my future bride. But it doesn’t change the reality that you and your family, your neighbors, your co-workers, even your children are at risk – should they decide to race past the Dobermans in the back yard, slip around the garden and shimmy through the slender heating ducts of Kelly’s outrageously well-guarded home.

Some say the stories they see on the nightly news – the blood-curdling tales of innocent stalkers who wanted only to lay hands on the milky white skin of The Goddess Herself – are exaggerated. But I’m here to tell you that the threat is real. No one is safe.

And if we don’t defend ourselves against these overzealous goons, who will?

This month’s book: The bible-friendly Guide to an abstinence-only marriage

This sensitively written book offers helpful advice to anyone seeking a full, fruitful marriage without succumbing to the peer pressure to ‘do it,’ ‘smack nasties,’ or any other disgusting euphemisms used by those perverted liberal swingers on those Tuesday night gatherings at Eric and Tanya’s (um… or whatever their names might be). Dr. Emmit Whitegate, while not strictly an actual doctor (apparently he has something called a ‘doctoral’ degree), plumbs the depths of his own sixteen year union to a cold, unlovable woman to deliver this thoughtful guide to a biblically correct, passionless marriage.

You’ll get invaluable tips on the following:

***Board games, knock-knock jokes, idle chatter and other fun ways to fritter away your time on that carnality-free honeymoon!

***Advice on artificial insemination: this long-time staple in the reproductive lives of the hopelessly barren, can also be used by those who want children without resorting to that nasty thing that must never ever be talked about.

***Adoption: taking in a bastard when the world of reproductive science fails you.

***Football, woodworking, kickboxing and other means of fending off your wife’s persistent concerns regarding your sexual orientation.

***Jesus-friendly divorce: Sure it violates the strictures of the Holy bible, but what can you do? She found the magazines, for God’s sake. She found the magazines!

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve become uncomfortable watching hardcore pornography with my 8-year-old daughter, fearing that she’ll once again interrupt the film with such awkward questions as, ‘ mommy, why are those men ejaculating on that woman’s face.’ Talk about a difficult parenting moment.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time the world of hardcore pornography has let me down. I can well remember the clumsy efforts to plumb the depths of human folly found in such early classics as Deep Throat and Debbie Does Dallas. But if these early pioneers of the genre can be forgiven for occasionally straying from gritty examinations of social mores, you’d think today’s porn merchants would have learned by now that when it comes to open displays of you-know-what, less is more. But if recent offerings like Milf Does a Body Good and Spring Break Bukkakke Fest 09′ are any indication, not much has been learned.

Frankly, I’m disappointed in AssBlaster Productions. If this distressing pattern of pandering to the basest desires of the porn audience continues in Cum Guzzling Sluts part 4 I will seriously consider canceling my weekly downloads from BootyParade.com.

And this time I mean it!

But many would be surprised to learn that people like me face the horrors of discrimination every day – simply because we are assholes. We are passed over for promotions, denied bank loans and otherwise frowned upon by society not because of the color of our skin or some other valid reason, but because we treat our family, our neighbors, our co-workers in a way that has been deemed “unacceptable” or “illegal” by these self-appointed guardians who call themselves “the police” or “Child Protection Services.”

Well, if deflating the tires of my over-paid supervisor or showing up drunk and punching some guy in the throat at my daughter’s wedding makes me unpopular, then so be it. Just like Harriet Tubman who refused to sit in the back of the freedom bus, I do what I believe is right.  And yet amazingly, in spite of this moral high ground I take, I’m still the victim of all manner of anti-asshole bias.

And as if judging people by the way they treat others isn’t unfair enough, I sometimes face discrimination on the basis of my background as a cannibalistic serial killer. Talk about hitting below the belt!